Saturday, January 6, 2018

It’s Been A While...

Clearly it has been a while since I last posted—partly out of laziness, and partly because I’ve kept my life pretty private as I’ve been learning what it means to fully surrender to Christ—I’ve learned that this life is not my own.
I’ve learned that friendships are precious and priceless...especially those friendships that are Godly friendships. Those friendships where God specifically placed those people in your life to guide you away from your former life into something so much greater and so much more beautiful.
I’ve learned that time spent with God is so powerful and so worth more than anything we could ever put a price on.
It’s been nearly a year since I last posted here—and it’s been a beautiful year of growing and refining who I am.
You see i’ve Learned that knowledge is power—especially when it’s knowledge about who you really are. I didn’t know who I was before—not really anyway. I was learning. I’m still growing. I’ve become more confident in who i am as a daughter of Christ. Oh how beautiful that is! To know who I am as a daughter of the king? It’s liberating. The God of the universe calls me His. He calls all of us His if we would just listen and surrender. To know whom we belong? It’s powerful.

I say all of this because i’m Not who I was when I initially started writing this blog—and change is okay. But in not being that person I was when I started writing means my writing may also look different. And that’s okay. I want to start writing again and share my experiences in growth with my savior. I want to share what I’m learning. Part of what I’m learning right now is to step back from the world and to take in who God is for myself. Which is almost oxymoronic to what I want to do here :).  I am also learning to dive into scripture in a whole new way—maybe one piece of scripture at a time. Part of that has been “lettering to the Lord” which I got from my friend Drea’s Instagram, and I got really excited to do because it involves calligraphy and drawing with scripture. I’m not the greatest artist, nor am I great at calligraphy—but I like to try. So there’s a scripture a day to letter to the Lord...and I am loving it—Here’s what I have done for the last 6 days.
Of course that’s just a collage of what I’ve done—but it’s images of scripture that i’ve Enjoyed having the opportunity to dive a little deeper into. 

I don’t know what I want to write here and I don’t know how often it will be—but I want to express how great our God is. And I want to share that somehow. So this is where that will happen. 

Friday, January 20, 2017

What does God say?

I'm not into politics. I never have been. It's not that I don't care, it's just that it's never interested me. What I do care about is how we as Christians react to what's going on.

Today was inauguration day. It's the 2nd one I can remember watching. I watched because I wanted my students to see what it looks like for a President in our country to be sworn in to office. I watched, because despite how much I don't know about politics, I do wish to be informed. I watched because it is important to know what the leader of my country stands for.

So, what does God tell us to do, despite our personal feelings behind our new President?

2 Timothy 2:1-2
"First of all, then, I urge that entreaties and prayers, petitions and thanksgivings, be made on behalf of all men, for kings and all who are in authority, so that we may lead a tranquil and quiet life in all godliness and dignity."

God urges us to pray for our leader. If you don't agree with what he stands for, then pray for him. Pray for him to be a leader that will actually turn this country around for the better. Pray that he will hold true to what he says he will do.

Pray for our nation--that we will all fall to our knees because this is a time of disbandment among our nation. Pray we will come back to our Christian roots...

This is all I have to say about any of this--simply to pray that God will break our hearts for our leader and our nation and call us to pray for him and it on a daily basis.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Bringing it into the light...

I've contemplated over the last few weeks and even months how to address something in my own life.  Each month brings new "awareness" the point they're almost becoming clichè. Are we really bring awareness to all of the causes we are so passionate about, or are we just slapping a name on a day, wearing a specific color, and changing our Facebook profile picture without bringing the slightest bit of actual awareness. For that matter, are we talking about the statistics of each thing we are bringing awareness to? Are we becoming aware and then doing nothing about it?

There is one day and one month and one week that seems to be skipped over. That is, bringing awareness to mental health. It's taboo to talk about mental health. People tip-toe around the topic. The thing is, no matter how much people avoid it, it is real.
October was National Mental Health Screening month, and in just over a week it is World Suicide Survivor's day (November 19). Yes, I know these dates.Yes, I know they exist. Just as we talk about breast cancer and we raise money and awareness to find a cure, we should be doing the same for mental health. Why? Well, let's talk about some statistics.

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), Anxiety is the most common mental illness in America, with over 40 million adults (age 18 and up), or 18 percent of the population diagnosed with anxiety. Note, I said adults, and note I said diagnosed. Children suffer from anxiety as well, and many go undiagnosed.

It's not uncommon for someone with an anxiety disorder to also suffer from depression or vice versa. Nearly one-half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
GAD affects 6.8 million adults, or 3.1% of the U.S. population.
Women are twice as likely to be affected as men.

Panic Disorder
6 million, 2.7%
Women are twice as likely to be affected as men.
Very high comorbidity rate with major depression.

Social Anxiety Disorder
15 million, 6.8%
Equally common among men and women, typically beginning around age 13.
According to a 2007 ADAA survey, 36% of people with social anxiety disorder report experiencing symptoms for 10 or more years before seeking help.

Specific Phobias
19 million, 8.7%
Women are twice as likely to be affected as men.
Typically begins in childhood; the median age of onset is 7.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are closely related to anxiety disorders, which some may experience at the same time, along with depression.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
2.2 million, 1.0%
Equally common among men and women.
The median age of onset is 19, with 25 percent of cases occurring by age 14. One-third of affected adults first experienced symptoms in childhood.
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
7.7 million, 3.5%
Women are more likely to be affected than men.
Rape is the most likely trigger of PTSD: 65% of men and 45.9% of women who are raped will develop the disorder.
Childhood sexual abuse is a strong predictor of lifetime likelihood for developing PTSD.
Major Depressive Disorder
The leading cause of disability in the U.S. for ages 15 to 44.3
Affects more than 15 million American adults, or about 6.7 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.
While major depressive disorder can develop at any age, the median age at onset is 32.5
More prevalent in women than in men.
Persistent depressive disorder, or PDD, (formerly called dysthymia) is a form of depression that usually continues for at least two years.
Affects approximately 1.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year. (about 3.3 million American adults).
The median age of onset is 31.1

These are just SOME of the statistics,  and SOME of the many categories of mental illness was. It is not a made up problem, it should not be so Taboo.
Why am I so passionate about this being recognized?
Because I am these statistics, and have been for as long as I remember. I am the one with an anxiety disorder, I am the one with OCD, I am the one with bipolar depression, and I am the one with an abandonment disorder that is closely related to PTSD. 
I am the one who at one point in my life believed that life wasn't worth living. I am the one who has to take medicine to function,  and to sleep. I'm the one who has to convince myself that going outside of my house will be worth it,  and I have to prepare myself to socialize.
I am the one who cannot handle change without being prepared, and the slightest kink in my plans or routine can send me into a panic.
I love with it on a daily basis. I have learned to function, I am learning to live. I have learned to prepare myself to socialize, and to step outside of my comfort zone.
I have continuous conversations with people who should understand me about how I take medicine because mental illness needs to be treated in the same way as any other illness. It affects my health. It affects how I physically feel, and if left untreated could be just as bad as an illness that is seen. 
I'm not the only one.
There are important people in my life who struggle daily with the same things.
Medicine is advancing in this area, but people's knowledge of it is still outdated.
I dream of seeing a day where people can admit to having a problem and of openly being able to go to therapy and be in medicine without the fear of judgment.
Spread the awareness about THIS!
Make it less taboo.
Help people see it is okay to admit to needing help.
The more people who would just admit to needing to talk to someone and being willing to accept help, the closer we would come to understanding mental illness.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

When you drop to your knees

What happens when you drop to your knees in complete surrender to the author and creator of the universe?

Despite my coming back to the arms of my savior, I have still continuously battled with the devil breathing down my back. I was living and saying "God you can have this part, but I think I can handle the rest.".
That's not how surrender works...

Just last week I chaperoned a trip with Elm Grove for their youth to Morehead where the entire week we focused on the statement "follow me."
Complete abandon to Christ.

It was an amazing week being stretched and growing in the word of God while serving Him, and also seeing our youth grow closer to Him.

When we returned the devil was on attack mode. My anxiety heightened, my body became MORE sick than before we left in a sense, and I started to be overwhelmed.
I was talking with my greatest friend who was sending me scripture and praying for me and with me while I battled the darkness of Satan...and suddenly I dropped to my knees. I stayed there begging for God to remove Satan from my presence. I prayed for complete surrender. Then I started to pray for my enemies.
I started praying for those people who are constantly against me. I prayed for those who seek to hurt me emotionally.
I prayed for God to open my eyes and heart to them in a way that I can love them through Him.
And then came sweet release.

Our God is this amazing God who hears us. He heard my cries. He saw my pain. And He helped me see that when I seek Him out and I lift my burdens to Him, He is right there willing and waiting to take it all.

THAT is what happens when you drop to your knees in holy surrender to our God.
Weight is lifted.
Peace is given.
Life feels better (despite sickness).

Our God reigns.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

My God will prevail

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Today and the past few days have reminded me of this verse. My God will heal me. He loves me and when I can't handle how weak I feel, he gives me strength to continue. Today instead of going to work like normal I went to chapel hill to have my blood run and to make sure everything's okay. I woke up feeling crummy. My head was splitting, my chest was hurting, and my temperature was on the rise. The Dr. There did blood tests, gave me fluids to bring my temp down, and prescribed me to a new medicine that should start regulating my white blood cell count. So I'm grateful for this morning and for a Dr. who knows what he is doing. 

Learning to live with an immune disorder has been difficult but I won't complain. I can't. I have a Dr who knows what he is doing and a God who guides this Dr's mind into treating me with the best care. I was asked today if I felt like a pin cushion. Yes, but again, it's quality over quantity. If I want to feel better sometimes I have to feel like a lin cushion and right now I'm going through a huge flair that will hopefully simmer down. I've already felt so much better. And that says a lot. 

We serve this amazing God who holds us and guides us even when the world fails us. My earthly body has been failing me but God gives me strength to know He has me, and He will care for me in the greatest sense. 

I'm living. I'm going to smile. I'm going to love people. I'm going to serve. And I'm going to take care of me with the ability God has given me.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Life after the storm

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25

Yesterday I chose to share with you all the fullness of my heart. I have had that as a weight for a long time...and it wasn't to gain attention or to have a "look at me" moment. In fact, I do not desire the light at all. I'm not a sociable person. I struggle with social anxiety SO much...but I can write my thoughts all day long. So what happens after that storm? What happens when you start opening your heart to God in the midst of trials. 
Yes there are trials. 
My heart aches for what could have been. I'm sad more times than I would like to say...but I have a God who gives me joy. 

What happens after diagnosis? 

I rejoice after diagnosis. 

There are finally answers. 

There are answers to my anxiety and depression. There are answers to my exhaustion. There are answers to my lack of circulation. There are answers to my pleurisy and to my constant low-grade fevers. 
But above all that...there are answers to my inability to carry a child. 
It doesn't make the pain go away. But it does make me know that I did nothing wrong. It does make me know that it's not all in my head. It helps me see the "why". 

What comes of all this?


Change in perspective. Change in eating habits. Change in me. 
I could be angry. I could say "woe is me". I could huddle down in a hole somewhere and allow my illnesses to overcome me. That would be wrong of me. 

I was angry. I DO get frustrated. It's not the end of the world, however. 
I'm alive. 
I'm an intelligent human being who can very well handle this. I can be an adult about it, accept it, and take care of me. 

Yes that means cutting a LOT of things out...It means sometimes if I eat the wrong thing I'm going to have a fever at night, and if I choose to do physical activity without my inhaler I'm probably going to have a larger flare up. It means if I don't take ALL of my medicine at night I'm going to probably feel gross and probably be unable to do what I want to do. 

Despite it all sometimes I accept that if I want to eat something I may pay for it later with aches and a fever. Tonight--I chose (in my menstrual state of mind) to eat Wendy's. It was delicious and I hope it was worth it. But I accept the consequences and I take control of it by acting before hand. 

This is my life. 
Things change. 
But I am a woman graced by God. I am a woman who has dignity because instead of thinking of the future and what it holds and where God has me...I live right here, right now, being His witness in all circumstances. 

That's what comes after the storm. A continuation of my story. A continuation of where God's taking me. Living for Him. 

He's my creator :) I live for Him. 

Monday, June 20, 2016

God gave me a testimony...and yes this will be a long post.

I have no idea where to begin with any of this. I've prayed hard about how to open my life up to those around me. I'm not the 15 year old high school student who followed what everyone told me anymore. I'm not where I saw myself, I'm not where I thought I would be, but my life is where it is and I'm going to allow God to use me and my story. He gave it to me. He's allowed me to live and to see, so the least I can do is give Him the glory.

I am imperfect.

But, aren't we all?

I guess the difference between some people is the ability to admit imperfection.

I struggle.

Again, it takes admittance.

I have been torn to pieces by life's emotions. I have been brought down to my knees and I have been knocked down to nothing. For 5 years I was laying in my own dirt and turmoil. I chose to run. It reminds me of the story of the garden where Adam tries to hide from God.
I tried to hide.
Or maybe I didn't? Maybe...I just spit straight in God's face, and said "this is your fault, not mine".
Yea...that's a better way of putting it.

I grew up with religion all around me. Yes...religion. There is a difference between religion and walking with God. Religion is what is making the world hate Christians. Walking with God means admitting to imperfections, understanding there is sin in the world, and being able to gently be a voice of wisdom and truth in a world full of sin and disgrace. I think a lot of people do not see this.

I was raised in church by two of the Godliest people I have ever known. My Grandmother was this beautiful woman who God blessed me with in my life. She was the image of pure joy in my life. She took me to church every Sunday, got me involved with GA's, and eventually in the youth group. She was my rock. When all else around me seemed to fall...she was the one who guided me home. My Granddaddy, in my life, was the silent-gentle giant. He never really spoke harshly to me, never raised his voice, and just sat and listened most days. I of course heard other versions of him from other people in my life--but I was and am his granddaughter. It was different for us.

I went to church on a regular basis. As a child I wholeheartedly believed in what I was being taught. As I grew older, however, my worldly wisdom started to rear it's big ugly head.  I am, and have always been, a person of logic and science. From the time I started learning, the idea of God became difficult to me. I still went to church, I still listened, I still experienced the presence of something bigger than me...but I was struggling.
There was one moment in all of my teenage life that God PHYSICALLY showed Himself to me in a way I never thought possible. I chose at the age of 16 to board a plane to California, with nothing holding me back. I went with the North American Mission Board as a Sojourner to Hesperia, California for 6 weeks to work as a volunteer youth leader. It got me away from my comfort zone, from everything I knew, and gave me the opportunity to be independent for a little while. In that 6 weeks we worked a lot of children's camps. We also worked with a lot of the area children who spoke only Spanish. At one specific children's camp I worked with a 5 year old little boy named Cesar who spoke Spanish and had a lisp.In my head I was thinking "what the crap am I supposed to do with this kid, I speak very little Spanish, and this kid has a lisp!" then and there I prayed a very simple prayer. "God...if you are real...if you want me to tell this child about will reveal yourself right here, right now. You will open my ears to this little boy and you will break down all language barriers."...I didn't think He would. But He did. O He did. He opened my ears and my heart and Cesar spoke and I heard him and understood him. Plain as day I understood his little 5 year old Spanish. I spoke to him, and we understood each other, and I was able to tell Cesar about Dios.

With that miraculous God moment, one would believe I would never doubt my faith.
But I did.
Or maybe I was just rebellious?

I was already doing things I knew were wasn't about a belief in God, it was about living MY life.
Of course, our lives aren't ours, are they?

I went away to college with the intention of ALL LIBERAL ARTS. I wanted to study English. I wanted to minor in Spanish...and I wanted to leave the country. Adios America!
I was wrong once again.

In fact...10 years after starting college I still haven't left the country. What the what?

I started at ECU in 2006 and I joined Campus Christian Fellowship where I attempted to grow in God's word.
I went on several mission trips with Globe, Arizona as well as to Washington, DC.
As much as the Arizona trip always touched my life in an amazing way, the DC trip showed me the reality of what's closer to home and how we are living in a world where we are ignoring the lost and ignoring the hungry.
Not okay.
I also worked with a ministry called Summershine, which despite my experience the 2nd year, was an amazing opportunity to be in the work force while showing the love of Christ. I simply allowed my anxiety and depression to REALLY get in the way, and as much as I spent a lot of time resenting the ministry for some things, in reality I wasn't allowing myself to be used to my fullest potential because I was allowing myself to be taken over by the claws of the devil.

Fast forward to the year of the DC trip. 2011. My life slowly began a down hill spiral.
We got back from DC and I started working at a grocery store in town to try to have enough money to live for the summer. During that time period I started to let go of my faith. I made friends with some people who weren't the best influence on my life, but they were more fun.
I lived 5 years without living out my crazy college this point I was 22, almost 23, and should have been maturing, but instead I gave myself freedom to do whatever I wanted. I still had another year of college, and hopefully graduate school, so the reality of the working world just didn't make much sense to me yet.
When I say downward spiral I mean DOWNWARD SPIRAL.
My promiscuity went on the drinking went on the rise....and my church girl persona was put on the back burner.
I stopped going to CCF as much.
I stopped going to church.
I stopped going home to visit.
I was living my life. July of 2011 the greatest person in my life suddenly passed away. When she died I was crushed. I felt like my heart exploded out of my chest, my anxiety became HUGE, and I didn't know what to do. Initially when she passed away I was in a religious fog. Yes...religious. The people who came to her funeral were a huge influence on my life as a teenager and so what felt right to say was "she's in a better place, she's not in pain anymore" when someone asked me how I was doing. That wasn't answering their question, but it appeased them. In reality, I was not okay. The first week after her death I spent my days laying under the covers, ignoring the world...and at night I screamed and cried in my sleep and woke up in cold sweats and unable to breathe.
It was NOT a good time.

Slowly I started drinking more heavily. I enjoyed it. It loosened me up and it made me feel better. I started having sex with whoever offered it...and I was a shell of my former self.

I ran...for 5 years.
The first year, I mostly said there's a God--but He doesn't care about me. He doesn't love me. If He did all that had happened in my life would not have happened.
I wouldn't have been in so much pain.
It was truly a selfish concept.

But then after that it wasn't that there was a was...there's probably a higher power, but why should I care? I'm going to hell anyways.

That was my thought process for the longest time.

Let's rewind a little.

Let's tell you a little more about a person...not as a God follower (or lack there of).

As a child I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and OCD.
That's a lot to label a child with, I'm aware, but it was accurate.
I wasn't medicated for any of it until high school.

I saw our school psychologist, I saw a therapist, I saw a psychiatrist, but it was all just to put me in a place where I couldn't be put somewhere else.

I was a cutter for a very long time. I started when I was 14 and I didn't stop until I was 23. It wasn't for was because I hurt so much and I struggled to put forth any kind of ability to communicate that It just seemed right.
There were moments of trying to take my life.
But those moments are in the past...they again weren't for attention so if you're reading this and you believe I'm someone out for attention, you may stop reading, or you may read and keep your opinion to yourself. I've heard it all.

I also threw myself into promiscuous opportunities because I was burying my feelings in men. Not for love....just for fun...just to cover my pain in a different way.

I don't consider myself someone who was a slut--so please--again--keep that opinion elsewhere too. We're all entitled to an opinion, but we don't have to share it all the time.

Because of the promiscuity which usually was led on by drunkeness...there were moments of irresponsibility...

Let's fast forward to the present.

I moved back to my hometown last March after I was hired on to an amazing position at a spectacular middle school in February 2015. With moving back to my hometown...God opened doors to my heart that I didn't know were possible to be reopened.

He placed people in my life who gently tugged. Never forced. Never pushed.


Spoke of God in conversation but never forced.

In January of this year I had to move again, but this opportunity was exactly what I needed. I stayed at my school and moved literally a minute from my school.
This gave for more opportunity.
I fell in love with my house. I started opening my heart more. I started to become friends with someone who has now adopted me into her family...simply because of changes in my life that I actually was against.

We sometimes need drastic change to make us okay.

I was still living a life of sin, however...up until recently.

I met someone in January who was much younger than I am, who I personally thought would be good for me. He was cute. He was an English major. He was attractive...He was everything I wanted. Looking with the eyes turned to more drunkeness...turned to looking with the hands.
More promiscuity.

Except this moment didn't end for me as I saw it would.

I ended up with more than I bargained for.

In March, my life changed. I found out I was going to be a Mom. It looks really weird to type that here. I was with my friend who is now someone who I praise God for daily and I said I was going to go home and take a test because I was a few weeks late. There came the two pink lines.
I wasn't upset.
I was happy.
Then came the Dr. appointment confirming it.
Then came the progesterone therapy.
Then came feeling my sweet baby move.
Ultra sounds....hearing the heartbeat...seeing my baby move...picking out names...being excited.
Telling the guy didn't turn out as planned, but that was okay because this is where my story took a turn.

I wasn't doing it alone. This is where God really forced my hand. Prior to finding out any of this I had stepped foot into church for the first time in several years to revival at my friend's church.
And slowly my heart started to become softer and softer.
Slowly my life began to change.
Best friends started to not matter anymore.
Drinking didn't matter.
Having sex didn't matter.

When I found out I was going to be a Mom my world changed for the better. God grabbed me by the hand and took me back in.
Once I got past the feeling of shame and of guilt and of feeling like God would never forgive me...I began to truly feel like I belonged to God again. It took me five years of running to find a more amazing experience with my savior.
It's NOT religion's a walk with God.
It's a relationship..
It's knowing that the God who created the universe would use me in ways I wasn't ready for yet.

I was okay.
I had this amazing realm of friends and family who God placed in my life and I was okay.
Despite other friends walking out of my life because I had found my way back to God...and because I had left them out of some things in my life...I was OKAY.

Once again my life took a turn. On May 16 I went to the Dr because things didn't seem right.
My progesterone levels were dropping. The baby's heart rate was dropping. I got a progesterone shot and was told to take it easy. We would handle this even if it meant bed rest at 17 weeks.
I went again on the 17th to have another progesterone shot and to check my blood pressure. My blood pressure was very high but baby's heart rate was still low. I was told to take it easy and come back Friday.
A month ago today my world took a drastic turn. My baby no longer had a heart beat. Nothing we did or could have done was going to change it. It just wasn't time.
I tried to do cytotec, but it didn't work, so on Monday the 23rd I had a D&C.

I could've let my world fall to pieces again. But God was there holding me up. My adopted family was holding me up. And I made it. I am making it.

I had tests run...and I finally came to this answer.

I have lupus.

As if losing a baby wasn't enough, as if having anxiety wasn't if being this complete and utter nut case--let's add in that my body attacks healthy cells and that I have to start eating different and taking more medicine and taking my temperature twice a day and do a whole lot better.
I'm okay with it.
I wasn't.
I have been called a hypochondriac my entire life.
I have been terrified of suffering my entire life.

But this amazing Godly woman God placed into my life, walks with me every night, and had a conversation about quality of life over quantity.
Would I rather take my plethora of medicine and eat better and have a better life, or would I rather add years and be miserable.

It's quality. I take quality.

My life's not over it's just beginning.

My Lindley Grace is being held by God.

She's an Angel.

More than likely I will struggle to have children of my own--but there are children here and all over who need a Mommy and Daddy to adopt when the time comes...if I can't have kids. I will adopt. And that will be okay too.

Because my Lindley Grace saved me and brought me back to God. Just by knowing of her existence...I was brought back to my savior.

I have a long road ahead of me but my testimony is this...I was the prodigal. God had his arms open and waiting.

I could fall to pieces. I could have fallen to pieces. I could go back and drink. I could take pills. I could do a lot...but where will that put me.
I could be bitter.
But what good would ANY of that do for me?

God will use me for His glory He will use this story for Him.

I am His witness.

And I am here for a great purpose.

I am here to serve Him through anything placed in my life.
I am here to love on His people.
I am here to share my story so other's may come to know Him.
I am here to show that sickness doesn't stop me.
Taking my temperature and cutting most foods out of my life will not stop me.
Having flare ups won't stop me.
Being this LITERAL person with a logistical mind who has anxiety on a daily basis and falls into depression at times will not stop me.
Having Lupus cause my lungs to fight against me will not stop me.
The DEVIL will not stop me.


And he's making diamonds :)