For the love of Dogs

Dogs. Furry, little four-legged friends who bark when we come home, wag their tails, lick, slobber, destroy things, make messes, and love their owners with their whole hearts. None of what they do to destroy our property is done out of anger or spite. Boredom maybe. Dogs are forgiving animals. They look forward to seeing their humans everyday.
As I sit here working on school work for the next school year, I have my sweet tea-cup poodle, Lilly, laying in my lap, while my guy Axel lays on the floor next to me. I can't help in relish in their little grunts, their licks, their sweet wagging tails, and the fact that I am their human. They love me. I have taken them into my home since they were puppies...for Axel that's 5 years and for Lilly that's 6 years. A lifetime of love, treats, a warm bed to sleep in, and plenty of snuggles. They've never had to worry about where their next meal was coming from, or whether they will have somewhere to sleep, or even if they'll have a warm lap to sit on. They are loved.
This may all sound foolish to you if you aren't a dog lover. In fact, I was not a dog lover until 6 years ago when I adopted Lilly. I was in college, and I wanted to try out something new. I saw this sweet, palm of your hand-sized puppy on facebook, and I just had to go meet her. My heart melted at first sight. As I picked up this 3-week old baby poodle, and she nibbled my chin and made her little sounds, I was in love. I put a deposit down to have her as my own, gave her her name, and 3 weeks later she was mine to bring home. I never turned back. I was smitten. I was a dog lover.
Then a year later, a friend of mine brought this tiny little white bundle of pure sweetness to my home. Within seconds my heart melted again for another dog. His sweet tear stains, his little whimpers, and his compassionate eyes brought me in, and I was his human.
I am a dog lover.
So as I sit here relishing in my love for my sweet fur-babies I can't help but have a sense of dread that in less than 3 weeks I will be back at work all day, and these babies who have had 9 weeks of cuddle time will have to go back to staying in a crate all day. They know I'll come home. They know they'll be free eventually. They never hold it against me. But wouldn't our work space be so much happier if we could bring our fur friends with us??
I just had to write this post because I'm so in love with my sweet pups. They make my heart happy. At the end of the day when I feel like all I have is me and God--I remember I have these 4-legged children of mine who adore me no matter what. They make life grand :)

Mental Health in the Classroom

Oy Vey! I said I wouldn't start working on school stuff until AUGUST! I retort in saying one day of working is not going to hurt me after having already relaxed the last 6 weeks. It's good for the brain!

Speaking of the brain...I found this idea today on pinterest that I want to implement in my classroom this year. You see, I want to make my classroom more friendly this year. More open. More honest. I want my students to trust me. I want my students to feel safe. SO below is what I want to do!

You see, mental health is SO important in our world, and in our society--but I do not believe it's checked on enough in the classroom! I want to do a check-in with my students every morning that is private, and that only I can see who posted what. 

I'm a stickler for mental health. I deal with my own mental illness that God has graciously given me help for, and you never know what young people are dealing with on a daily basis. This way, they can be honest about how they're feeling from the get go, and I can check in with them throughout the day, or if REALLY necessary, get guidance involved without other students knowing. 

I want the students to feel like their feelings are valid, important, and necessary to being human. I want them to feel like THEY are all of those things. My classroom is going to look a lot different this year, and this is just a start to how that is going to happen!

Choosing Joy

"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." John 15:11

Finding joy in all circumstances. It's something I've had to learn to do. At the end of this past school year, I started talking to a good friend of mine about my own circumstances, and I just couldn't find joy in what I was doing. I couldn't find joy in my job, or in life really. 

As we talked I came to this conclusion--I have to choose joy. I can be joyful in my circumstances DESPITE what the circumstances may be. God did not promise us happiness, but he did promise us joy. 

There is truly a difference. Happiness is dependent on situations...but joy is dependent on Christ. Joy comes from knowing our savior, and from giving Him complete control. 

So as the school year came to a close, I had started to look at life a little differently. I began to remember that Jesus is in me and if I'm living for Him then I can be joyful. So my attitude about my job started to change. My attitude towards my students changed. I started to see my students for who they were individually, and I was able to find the positives in each of them. 

Choosing joy means knowing God is in control, and knowing He will always be a part of any situation. It means even if we aren't happy, we can still be positive about what God has given us. 

Choosing joy lately has meant seeing the positive in all of the circumstances of my life. Yes there is negative. Yes the devil is alive and prowling, but God is so much greater than that. God is the provider of our joy. 

When I started coming to these realizations--my life started to look completely different. I feel lighter, like weights have been lifted off my chest. I feel JOYful! 

I say all this to say...Joy is a beautiful thing, and it is possible for all believers! Pray, seek God, soak in scripture, and find it!

Why I chose not to foster

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." James 1:27

God's will. We say it all the time. "This was God's will for my life". "It was God's will for this to happen."
How do we know God's will for our lives? 

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5

Seek God. Seek His voice. Pray without ceasing. Stay in the word, and give God ALL control. 

A year ago, I thought I knew God's will for my life at that moment. I was starting to really seek after something that I said I had heard God clearly tell me to do. I had decided I wanted to be a foster parent. At 30 years old, with no husband, I had decided it was God's good and perfect will for my life to take in children who needed to be loved on, and needed a place to call home for a while. 

I prayed. I read scripture. I had other people praying for me. I got prepared. I went to classes. I got licensed. Then something much clearer came to me. "This is not what I have planned for you."
What God? 

I had done all of this work, only to be told this was not what I was supposed to be doing. To be honest? I was at peace with that answer. 

You see, last year when I was praying about fostering I was praying about it by telling God what I was going to do...I have this yearning inside me to be a mother. I desire with all that I am to mother. However, that was a prayer that was about me. MY WILL. Not God's. I thought I was listening to God's voice when I started taking my classes, but as time passed by it started to become more clear to me that maybe this was not what I was supposed to be doing. After all, I am single and it would be much harder to take care of a child by myself. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding. 
 In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Lean not on your own understanding. 

I received my license on the very same day that my mother passed away. So as I was finishing up what I thought was God's plan for my life, a curve ball came around the corner and knocked the wind out of me. Fostering took a back seat. I stopped focusing on being a foster mom. I stopped looking at adoptuskids.org 
I stopped wanting to be a foster mom. 

I don't think the events that happened really have anything to do with my realization that it's not for me...I just think it was something that distracted me from what I thought I should be doing
Then I read a book by Chelsea Sobolik called "Longing for motherhood"--I had conversations with someone very important in my life--and I came to the realization that my desire to be a mother is already being fulfilled by being an aunt and a teacher. 

I can be a spiritual mother to the kids already in my life. 

I have been that for a long time, but to me it wasn't "mothering" it was just...being the cool aunt and teacher. 

God's will is something that I think we try to say in our lives, but we don't pay attention to the reality that it truly may not be God's will. We try to find scripture that says we're listening to God. We pray for our own wills, however what we don't realize is that God will make clear HIS will in HIS timing and in HIS own way. 

Fostering is not something I'm going to do. At one point I even said I was just putting it on the back burner until I could get my life together. I said I can't take care of a broken child while I was broken. The thing is, we're all broken. We're all struggling with something whether it's big or small. If we wait for our lives to be perfect to be a foster parent or a parent, we'll never do it. What I realized in reality was that God had taken that desire away from me. It's not something I'm just putting on hold, it's something that I personally just do not desire to do anymore. It's something that I commend people for doing, but as a single 31 year old woman I don't see it as what I should do. 

Pay attention to God and what HIS will is--things will work out the way He wants them to. Sometimes it ends up being what YOU wanted--but sometimes it's the complete opposite of what you thought it would be, and that is okay.

God Only Knows

"God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it's killing you
But there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows"~For King and Country

This past Saturday I had the grand opportunity to go to Kings Dominion and attend Kingsfest with some of my favorite people. I was able to ride some amazing rides, but ultimately we were able to see some of our favorite bands and worship Jesus in this pavilion with hundreds, if not thousands, of other believers. It was beautiful. 

We saw Burlap to Cashmere, Building 429, Crowder, and For King and Country...my favorite being For King and Country. They have so many songs with such strong meaning to them. When they worship, they WORSHIP. It's beautiful. 

I wish I could explain the feeling that overcame me when I looked around and saw so many people's hands raised in Worship. I thought "this is what Heaven's going to be like"...

One of my favorite songs by For King and Country is "God only knows". You see I talked in my first post about all the things I've been through this past year...but man God is still the only one who knows the depth of the pain I felt in 2018. 2019 so far has been a redemptive year. The song "God only knows" talks about how we can't truly hide from God what we're going through because in the end He's the only one who truly knows...but HE is the one who can rescue us from all of that!

I post all of this to say...Heaven is going to be beautiful, and one day we will all worship before our amazing Father...and we will praise Him...and these things in our life that God only knows about will be gone and He will be there before us ready to welcome us in!

Finding Rest in Jesus

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."~Matthew 11:28

I've had this blog for a few years now. I've written posts, and deleted them. Written more posts, and deleted those too--I want to come to a place where I'm writing to an audience who reads my blogs, and is in pursuit of a deep relationship with Jesus, just as I am. 
And if you're not in that pursuit--I pray you will come to that point. 
You see, most of my other posts were written from a "me" perspective. What is God doing FOR me. Not "What is God doing in my life" and "how can I best serve Him". 
And maybe this first post here, as I re-build my blog, will still kind of be from a "Me" perspective...but it's about God and His grace and How He's rescued me FROM me!

Let's start out by saying this past school year...my 6th year as a teacher....was THE MOST DIFFICULT year of my life. Why? Because I was not seeking Jesus like I should have been. I was not resting in who I was in Jesus--and because the enemy was on full prowl in my life. 

I started out the year having people pray for my students. I forgot one important element in that. I should have also had people praying for me as their teacher. 

Instead I started the school year off pretty rough--and it continued to go down hill. 

My first big bump in the road was a wisdom tooth infection that knocked me out of work for a little while, causing me to have to have wisdom tooth surgery, and keeping me out of work even longer. 
Then came my anxiety and depression. After a few years of remission, it reared it's ugly head back into my life at full swing. It didn't just creep in and give me a warning--it didn't just hit a grounder to first base...it swung as hard as it could, and flew over the fences. Anxiety to the point I didn't want to go to school. Depression to the point, I cut myself off from people. Why? 


I wasn't giving God control. 
So over and over again I'd pick myself up and I'd go to work, only to miss a day or two here and there. Only to take more xanax than necessary. I was NOT seeking out God in the midst of this. Instead I was digging a hole, deeper and deeper, until it seemed impossible to get out. 


This caused me to not be present as the teacher I needed to be. 

Then life took another curve ball. My Mom suddenly passed away from a massive heart attack. 
Life came to a sudden halt as the woman who gave me life was no longer present. I didn't allow myself to grieve as I should and I closed myself off to emotion. What in the world would I do without my daily "arguments" or weekly coffee? I'd have to survive and move on. 

Then came news that I was going to have to have surgery to remove my ovary--and all of a sudden life started to take a new turn. How in the world could a surgery like that cause life to turn to a positive direction? Because I finally had to slow down. Not only that, I had to be in prayer because to be honest the idea of losing my whole ovary after already losing one when I was 19 was a little saddening to me...it would mean no babies for me. Then right before my surgery, a friend came along who offered to stay with me the night of my surgery--and this friendship took a whole new blooming effect as we really got to know each other, and God placed in my life a motherly figure that I needed. 

So came my surgery--where my Dr. told me she would be doing her best to save my ovary. And what happened? A portion was saved! The idea of not having babies went out the window! Praise the Lord!

This surgery caused me to miss another week of work which caused more dissension between myself and my students. I had not been the teacher they needed...and it was felt. 

However this lady God placed in my life became someone who spoke WISDOM into my life and who started to really pray for me and who started to tell me that I still had time to make amends as a teacher. 

So I did my best. 

With all that I was I tried hard to spend the rest of the school year being the teacher who my students needed. Of course I'd not been there as I needed to be so snide remarks from parents still came. But I was slowly becoming who I needed to be. 

The school year ended, and while I was going to get a summer job to keep myself busy--I decided what was best was that I stay home and really truly find my rest in Jesus. I needed to rejuvenate and take hold of my life again. 

What's been left out of all this is that I also joined a new church community who has loved on me and taught me all about what community is. And the friends I've made there have agreed it is best I take time for me and the Lord. 

So here I sit a few weeks into summer...already feeling rested because I've spent my time in the word, and learning about who Jesus is again. I'm resting in the Lord. And He is showing me HIS strength for me when I am weak. It's a beautiful process. 

So I want to spend time on this blog really rejoicing in who God is and sharing His work in my life. I want to give all the glory to who God is and ultimately how He can bring us all out of the lowest points in our lives!

If you've read this much and you want to follow along, please do! Let's give God the glory together!