Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Life after the storm

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25

Yesterday I chose to share with you all the fullness of my heart. I have had that as a weight for a long time...and it wasn't to gain attention or to have a "look at me" moment. In fact, I do not desire the light at all. I'm not a sociable person. I struggle with social anxiety SO much...but I can write my thoughts all day long. So what happens after that storm? What happens when you start opening your heart to God in the midst of trials. 
Yes there are trials. 
My heart aches for what could have been. I'm sad more times than I would like to say...but I have a God who gives me joy. 

What happens after diagnosis? 

I rejoice after diagnosis. 

There are finally answers. 

There are answers to my anxiety and depression. There are answers to my exhaustion. There are answers to my lack of circulation. There are answers to my pleurisy and to my constant low-grade fevers. 
But above all that...there are answers to my inability to carry a child. 
It doesn't make the pain go away. But it does make me know that I did nothing wrong. It does make me know that it's not all in my head. It helps me see the "why". 

What comes of all this?


Change in perspective. Change in eating habits. Change in me. 
I could be angry. I could say "woe is me". I could huddle down in a hole somewhere and allow my illnesses to overcome me. That would be wrong of me. 

I was angry. I DO get frustrated. It's not the end of the world, however. 
I'm alive. 
I'm an intelligent human being who can very well handle this. I can be an adult about it, accept it, and take care of me. 

Yes that means cutting a LOT of things out...It means sometimes if I eat the wrong thing I'm going to have a fever at night, and if I choose to do physical activity without my inhaler I'm probably going to have a larger flare up. It means if I don't take ALL of my medicine at night I'm going to probably feel gross and probably be unable to do what I want to do. 

Despite it all sometimes I accept that if I want to eat something I may pay for it later with aches and a fever. Tonight--I chose (in my menstrual state of mind) to eat Wendy's. It was delicious and I hope it was worth it. But I accept the consequences and I take control of it by acting before hand. 

This is my life. 
Things change. 
But I am a woman graced by God. I am a woman who has dignity because instead of thinking of the future and what it holds and where God has me...I live right here, right now, being His witness in all circumstances. 

That's what comes after the storm. A continuation of my story. A continuation of where God's taking me. Living for Him. 

He's my creator :) I live for Him. 

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